My Own Worst Enemy

These are the hardest posts to write.

The ones where I have to admit to you & myself that I am nowhere near where I want to be on my health journey.

The ones where I hope there is at least one other person out there who GETS what I am saying.  Because my biggest fear is that no one understands my mental process.

The ones where I admit that I am, and might always be, my own worst enemy.

It all started this weekend when I stepped on the scale and it told me I had gained a pound.  Why I let that bother me, I don’t know, it was just a pound.  But I did.  I also let myself slip with eating the rest of the weekend.

I let myself get in my own head.

Then when my alarm went off for TRX Monday morning, I let myself sleep in instead.

Pure laziness.

Seriously.

I wasn’t sick.

I wasn’t super tired .

I just didn’t want to go.

So I didn’t.

What I DID do all day was beat myself up mentally.

Some thoughts that crossed my mind –

“Why bother?  You’ll never lose the rest of your weight.”

“You’re worthless.”

“You let everyone at TRX down – they probably hate you now.”

“How much of a lazy ass are you that you couldn’t get out of bed an hour early?”

I could go on, but you get the point.

It’s hard to admit that I beat myself up like this.

I’d like for people to think I have it all together.

 

I don’t.

 

But, I am getting better.  I was finally able to stop berating myself and turn the situation around.

What if the same thing happened to my best friend and she called me to vent?

Would I say those horrible, nasty things to HER?

No. No. No.

I would show some perspective and kindness.

“So you chose to sleep in one morning.  It’s obvious you feel bad about it.  Just think of this the next time you want to go back to sleep instead of working out.”

“Missing one workout when you’ve worked out 16 out of 28 days this month isn’t as bad as you think.”

“The people you work out with will understand.  We’ve ALL been there.”

“6 months ago, you couldn’t even get up to work out in the mornings.  Now you do it 3-4 times a week.”

 

And the most important

“You are NOT perfect.  No one expects you to be.”

 

Once I saw it from this perspective I felt better {not great, but at least I stopped abusing myself}.

I have made ginormous strides when it comes to my health within the past year.

For the first time in years, I lost a good amount of weight and have kept it off for over 6 months.

I continue to lose weight almost weekly.

I {on most days} feel like I am worth a billion dollars!

I am working out on a consistent basis.

I am sticking to my eating plan and {usually} don’t feel bad when I stray and eat a cookie or 2.

I am a better “ME” than I was a year ago.

So when will I STOP being my own worst enemy and START being my biggest cheerleader??

21 thoughts on “My Own Worst Enemy

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I like to think I have it together, but I don’t. I’ve always said I am my own worst enemy. For me its 25 (I am 28) years of bad choices and negative thinking. The emotional baggage doesn’t go away once you lose the weight. I’m going to therapy to deal with all the issues I haven’t been able to deal with my own body and hopefully learn how to be kinder to myself. And to forgive myself. Hang in there!

  2. You have a lot going on in your life right now, so it’s okay to not be fully focused on your workouts and such, but think how much better you will feel once you do get back into a good routine!
    Maybe change up what you are doing? When I was training for my first 5k, I HATED having to do my runs. Even now, still hate running. But once I discovered lifting, and now with Crossfit, I look forward to it everyday!

    Find something you love, and go for it!

    • You are so right! Having to deal with so much at once is tough and sometimes that means not being 100% focused. But I’ve been back on track the past few days and feel better. :) Thank you for your kind words.

  3. Wow, sounds like I wrote this about me…my daily struggle….especially since i got so sick the past two months and things went downhill, fast….we can do it together!

  4. We’ve definitely all been there and I think most of us struggle with this often if not daily. But I think that it’s important to take note of the progress you have made, like you’ve listed. Those are all important to keep in mind and all part of the bigger pictures. Hang in there. You’re doing great.

    • Thank you, Christine! It’s so true about being part of the bigger picture…I have to remind myself of this more often. :)

  5. It’s always important to remember everything we’ve achieved. Sometimes, we forget where we started and so we don’t celebrate the achievement we have already made! Be kind to yourself and keep on going :)

    • You are right. It’s important to celebrate where I have come from since I started this journey. I definitely need to work on being kinder to myself. :)

  6. I have definitely been there! I usually feel down about myself when I miss a workout. I wake up at 4:45am to get ready for work and I always feel like I could wake up at 4 to get my workout in during the morning because it’s hard for me to fit one in in the evening…however, that would leave me getting about 3 hours of sleep a night. I always wonder how people do it and how I’m a failure because I can’t…but then I have to take a step back and realize that our lives are all different and those early workouts don’t fit into my schedule and I have to accommodate. It’s important to remember to always make our lives work for who we are and what we face every day!! Keep your chin up! :)

    • You are exactly right about making it work for us individually. And some weeks life is so crazy that it takes everything we have just to function at home & work, that fitness may have to take a backseat.

  7. You only live once, and there really is NO TIME to be hard on yourself. In order to get through day to day sh** and awesomeness you constantly need to cheer yourself on!! I am seriously the loudest most obnoxious yet most dedicated cheerleader to myself and I think it’s because I have a great focus as to what I want to do with my life and I am so happy and feel so healthy (for the most part) that I just want to keep it going – I know when I think positively, positive things happen in my life! It’s weird how that works. I hope you know, all of your blog readers are CHEERING YOU ON like no one’s business! Rah Rah Shish Boom Bah! LOL!

    • Oh, GiGi, I LOVE you!! :) I need to take on your attitude of being my own biggest cheerleader. WATCH OUT WORLD!! :)

  8. The crazy self sabotage happens to us all sometimes. In truth I do it more than I care to admit to and I too have problems really bullying myself about it. However, just like you I am working on getting back on track, being kinder to myself, and realizing that you and I are on a journey – It is not an easy one, but at least we are trying. We will hit speed bumps, heck, we will run into mountain, but we have this Mo.
    (Confession – I ate my 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in 3 days! Back on track now!)

    • Oh, Abby! I teared up reading this. I KNOW you totally understand how I felt while writing this post. Sometimes it feels like we are moving 2 steps forward, then falling 1 step back. But we will BOTH get to the point where we are JUMPING 3 steps forward and never looking back. :)

  9. When I read the first few words of your post, I knew exactly what you meant. I, too, am sometimes my own worst enemy. (In fact, I wrote a blog post about that a few months ago myself.) I just have to keep reminding myself that nobody’s perfect — and no one expects me to be. Keep plugging away, making more healthy choices than not, and eventually we’ll get there.

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